I’ve been doing a Word of the Year since 2011. You can see my words for, , , , , and , if you’re curious.
I did a lot of work on myself this last year, and of that I am proud. My word for 2017 was “Love,” and I made such good progress in that area.
It culminated in a way during my 40th birthday week – I went on vacation by myself for the first time ever. First class all the way.
I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t nervous, I didn’t feel something was missing… I was determined – and so pleased that it felt so easy to do.
The Dominican Republic was good to me.
Fast forward a month or so, and my anxiety started acting up. (I’ve written about this before, you can see that post here.)
There are a few reasons for it, which I don’t need to go into here just yet.
Because the truth of the matter is, I am still very much in it.
My anxiety manifests itself as a doom and gloom menace. As if an impending disaster is right around the corner.
At its most mild it’s simply annoying, but at its worst it feels utterly unbearable.
Like nothing will ever work out for me again. Like I’ll never feel happiness again. Like I’ll never love again. Like I’ll always be alone. Like everything is going to hell.
Truthfully, it feels like a setback after the progress I made this past year.
Some of it is chemical and genetic, no doubt.
But some of it is self-inflicted.
Hey, we all do it to ourselves sometimes. None of this is unique to just me.
But the progress I’ve made around loving myself and being ok by myself is utterly precious, and I will fight fiercely to continue that progress.
And so, enter the word “Light.” I always say that my word of the year divinely “downloads” into my brain like clockwork right before December 31st, and this time was no different.
How it came to me was this – I heard the words “Be the Light, see the Light at the end of the tunnel, only do what Lights you up. Lighten your load.”
As a bonafide “achiever” it’s way too easy to get myself caught up in numbers, how many people joined this program, how much did I make, how does it compare to last year, how many goals did I hit, how much work did I get done today… and on and on.
I’ll admit I’ve sometimes tied my self-worth to it.
While some of this is a positive part of the drive that’s gotten me to where I am today, some of it has been, quite frankly, lunacy.
Doing things because I think I “have” to, or because that’s what other people are doing, or because my money goal is so lofty. Functioning on autopilot instead of really digging in and asking myself: What would feel GOOD to me at this moment?
What’s been missing is pleasure, and pleasure to me feels light. Playfulness feels light. Not being a slave to the numbers feels light. Working with only the most warm and wonderful clients feels light. Only offering what I enjoy teaching and excel at feels light.
You know what else feels light? Possibly opening myself up to love again this year. (We shall see.)
And so last year’s word and this year’s word actually intertwine quite beautifully.
I’m calling in more joy, more alignment, more ease, and more incredible experiences this year. A lightness of being.
I’m rejecting the notion that your business needs to be everything, all the time. That it always has to be #1. I’m rejecting being led by fear, constantly looking outside of myself for the answers. I’m rejecting putting anything out there that doesn’t feel joyful and Light, damnit.
I’m ready to cultivate a rich and fulfilling life outside of my company, because that’s what fills me up. And it’s been far too long.
I still want to achieve and grow and take my business to new heights. But doing it at the expense of my wellbeing, or as a result of not being clear on what would feel delicious to me (or not believing it could be) is no longer welcome in my life.
This current setback will pass, I know.
And in its place will be more play, more flow, more alignment… and much more asking of the question:
Does this light me up?
Happiness is superseding all the pushing and “have-to’s” this year.
And what’s beautiful about that is that changing my vibe will end up attracting even more than I could ever dream of. All at the right time.
As long as I keep moving toward the light.
As cliche as it is, life really is too short. Friends, love, and play are moving to the front seat and driving this sucker.
I’m ready to embrace the fact that this all doesn’t need to feel so HARD. (And asking myself more: What if it could be EASY?)
And… that doesn’t make me feel anxious at all.
Now it’s your turn, love. Please let me know what your word is in the comments. 🙂